The Difference Between Dating A Man Raised With His Father And One That Was Not

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I have dated both–men raised without their fathers in the home and men raised with their fathers in the home.  The guys I dated that did not have their father in the home tended to have some deep rooted issues that they always felt the need to hide.  I felt like they could never fully be themselves. Maybe it’s because they didn’t really know who they were.

Two of my exes had very troubled upbringings. Neither knew who their fathers were and barely had a mother there either.

EX #1

One of my exes was very controlling and selfish. He had never met his father a day in his life. He was mostly raised by his grandmother and grandfather. His mother was there but had an illness and wasn’t able to fully raise him by herself.  She was a sweetheart though and was very kind and loving. I dated him for 4 years, cohabiting with him for two of those years.  When we did live together, he barely worked and barely helped contribute to the bills in the house. I remember I paid for everything by myself the first full year when we stayed together. The whole reason for me moving out of my dad’s house and getting my own place was just so he would have somewhere to live.

“He was always in and out of jobs and it was partly due to him being an ex-convict.”

I then lost my job and ended up being a server in a restaurant just to bring in some kind of money.  I could no longer afford to pay everything by myself. EX #1 had just gotten a job as a barber and was actually, finally, making decent money.  Do you know this negro had the nerve to be upset that he had to start paying majority of the bills by himself even though I had done so for an entire year by myself!?  He obviously did not believe in a man taking care of his home and working hard to provide. I was dumb and just made excuses for him. He would reluctantly, pay the rent then get all upset at me for being broke and having to use all his money on bills.

EX #2

This ex had the most profound effect on my love life, negative and positive in a sense. The negative effect he had in my love life was due to fact that he hurt me to the core; I was hurt like I had never been. The positive effect he had on my life was due to the outcome and how I grew from the worst heartbreak ever. He was one man that I was totally stupid for simply because I was so deeply in love with him for some reason. Maybe it was because I really wanted him to live up to the potential I knew he possessed.  I went through just about everything you could imagine with him. I could write a whole book of just that relationship alone.

Anyway, he was quite a person. I felt he would often “sugarcoat” his situation and never faced his truths.  He would front about how much money he had, wear flashy clothes, drive flashy cars (one was purchased by ONE of his baby mothers but he lied and said it wasn’t) and he would brag about any and everything like he was a king. He barely had a pot to piss in but yet and still, he thought he was the shit. I saw through all of it but would never shed light on his lies that he believed. I would try to talk to him and “Dr. Phil” him, as he and his best friend would call it, but nothing ever got through to him.  He almost moved in with me to but I stopped it because I found out he was messing around with another girl.  I still dated and talked to him though, like a hopeless girl in love.

“He never knew his father and when I asked about him once, I remember his EXACT words were, “Fuck him! I don’t know who he is and I don’t care!” I never really touched on the subject again but I started to see why he behaved the way he did.”

Insights

Both of these exes had a great deal in common in their own way besides the fact that neither of them had a father growing up.

“Both seemed to not know how a man was supposed to be and act. Neither had any clue as to how to treat a woman or how a woman was supposed to be treated. Both had trust issues and both had run ins with the law. Both did a significant amount of time in jail.”

Neither of them ever saw their mother treated properly by a man so no one ever showed them how a woman was supposed to be treated.

“I can remember ex #2 literally telling me that his aunts would tell him that all women were hoes and that they could not be trusted.”

It’s sad but its a reality in this world. Ex #1 had a motto that one of his female relatives told him, “Purse first, ass last” meaning get what you can out of a woman and maybe get some ass from her afterwards. Could you imagine growing up in environments like this having things like this embedded into you constantly? There isn’t anything you can do to raise a grown man either. You can’t help them so don’t even try. These men were thought defense mechanisms anytime anyone would try to talk some common sense to them. The truth always hurts a man like them because who wants to be reminded that they had a shitty upbringing? Our family is were we get our first bit of self esteem from and without a decent one, you can grow up with low self esteem.  Most men will try to hide that.

Current Boyfriend

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What a difference! My current boyfriend grew up in a good home with both of his parents.  No, they probably weren’t perfect but nevertheless, he had a real man in his home showing him how to treat a woman based off of how well his dad treated his mother. I have, of course, met my current boyfriend’s parents and I LOVE their relationship. I believe they have been married going on 29 years now.

“I can see that my boyfriend treats me the same way as his dad treats his mom and it’s a beautiful thing. His father taught him well.”

He always makes sure he works hard, isn’t ashamed of who he is, will give me his last just to make sure that I am okay, makes my happiness a top priority and knows how to be a leader.

“Ladies, how a man was raised by his father really matters.”

How any person was raised says a lot about them.  Not saying that all people from broken homes will wind up going down the same path as my two exes but that are very few exceptions.  Some do have life awakening moments and will grow from their past to be better than their fathers. Pay attention to the signs. Get to know more about him and listen to how he talks of his past. If he is still bitter by it or refuses to talk about it at all, that could be a red flag that he isn’t emotionally available to be a good man to you.

2 Comments Add yours

  1. astoldbymua says:

    Girl yes! I feel like the same can be applied to a woman. It can make such a huge difference.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. KindallD. says:

    It surely does!!

    Liked by 1 person

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