Everyone knows the saying, “Don’t hold a person’s past against them.” Well, you don’t have to necessarily hold their past against them BUT you should definitely take some things into consideration before moving forward with someone. Of course we all have a past but it’s important to have growth and REAL healing happen before moving on with someone else. Why ruin other’s lives just because your life is a mess?
I have ALWAYS seen signs of a man’s past still creep up in their present life but silly me always gave them the benefit of the doubt instead of running the other way. Here are a few things I feel you should really pay attention to when dating someone new.
1. He still talks about his ex.
This is a big one. I heard a saying once that said, “Men don’t heal, they ho.” This means that some men typically get under another woman, or WOMEN, to make the pain go away from a relationship gone wrong. I once talked to this guy I met on Tinder that would constantly talk very badly about his ex. Yes, he talked of her badly but that’s still a red flag. If he has ANY emotions towards his ex, whether they’re good or bad emotions, he still has SOME type of feeling there. Anger is a feeling too. You don’t even have to ask him if he does or doesn’t have any feelings towards his ex, he won’t tell you the truth anyway. Just listen to how he talks about her when his ex comes up.
This guy would wish so many bad things on his ex and once said he is ready to see karma bite her in the ass and he hoped that he would be around to see it. I just laughed it off. But he still had some deep rooted issues. Apparently, his ex had did a number on his emotions and made him feel he could never trust another woman. She had cheated on him while he was overseas.
After one date and “talking” for about a month, he called things off with me saying he knew he could never give me what I wanted, which was a relationship. I was crushed but I figured he wasn’t ready from how he still talked so bitterly about his ex. I should of seen it coming. Good riddance!
2. He has had too many different jobs.
Listen to how he talks about his current job and his past jobs. If he tells you he has never been on ANY of his jobs for a long period of time, make a note of it! If he has a GOOD current job that he has held for at least a year, he may be in the clear and maybe has grown from job hopping. Not saying you have to find the richest man with the best job, BUT you have to find a man with a GOOD work ethic. If he constantly gets fired or constantly changes jobs, he is not stable and all the burdens will fall on you if you two do end up being together. It’s about being smart. Yes, he probably is a really good guy but he is not prepared to be a good guy to you just yet. Maybe date and be friends until he decides to get his work life in order permanently.
3. He has MULTIPLE baby mothers.
This should be a no-brainer but you’d be surprised at how many women will overlook this, including myself. My ex had 4 baby mothers when I first met him. I thought for sure he had grown from his past but ended up with baby mama number 5 as I was dating him; I wasn’t that 5th baby mother. Men like this typically have issues with settling down. They are spontaneous and do not think about the consequences of their actions. Of course, they have constant access with each baby mother and things could happen between them still. One, maybe even two, baby mothers is acceptable but you still have to watch how he interacts with both. Does she call constantly about everything wether it has anything to do with the kids or not? Things like that, you should keep an eye on. Listen to how he speaks of his baby mother too. Do they have an amicable relationship? Are these kids and baby mother the result of a divorce or failed relationship? Dating a man with a baby mother IS possible but you have to be more careful and pay attention to the NUMBER of kids and baby mothers he has.
4. He has cheated in past relationships before.
Once a cheater, always a cheater…right? Possibly. Let Steve Harvey tell you, ALL men have cheated once before in their past. That’s probably true. Not all of them have learned and grew from that part of their past either. If he’s honest about that part of his past, that’s already a good sign that he’s grown. If he tells you how it made him feel like shit to hurt her, that’s a good sign that he has grown also. It’s all about HOW he speaks of his past. If you hear regret in his voice, he may be in the clear. If he speaks nonchalantly about it, keep your guards up and maybe even run the other way. I don’t care how macho a man acts, he has feelings too and if he refuses to show any when it comes to how he treated an ex, he probably doesn’t give a damn about women, PERIOD. If you’re expecting to find a man that has NEVER cheated, good luck! I think Jesus is available.
My current man has proven that he is a good guy but even he has cheated in the past. He also told me how bad it made him feel to see that he had hurt her too. That shows he has feelings and will also care about mine. It also shows he has learned from that mistake.
5. He has had multiple short term relationships.
Women are not the only desperate, hopeless romantics out there. Men can be them too! If he has had multiple, back to back short term relationships, that means he is either finding something wrong with every woman and leaves once the “butterfly” stage is over or the women are realizing how desperate he is and leave because they got tired of the smothering. Usually, he is so desperate that really ANY woman will do for him. He justs wants SOMEBODY to be in a relationship with.
I actually talked to a guy like this once. We did have good conversation and talked on the phone for like 2-3 days in a row. On one of those calls, he told me, “I love you too.” Wth? His excuse was he thought he heard me say “Love you” instead of “later.” Yeah right. Either way, I knew where this was going. He was already getting attached and we hadn’t even went out yet! He then went on to say that he tell all of his friends that and blah blah blah. I definitely stopped talking to him because I got too weirded out.
About a few months later, he is welcoming a new baby into the world and in a whole new relationship with someone other than the baby mother! I dodged that bullet!
Ladies, be careful out here! We can often save ourselves from a whole lot of heartbreak by just paying close attention to the guys in the early stages of talking and dating. Never assume or give benefits of the doubts. Actually discuss anything that sticks out to you. Just start those conversations out with, “just curious…” and ask what you feel need to know. Asking this way prevents him from thinking that you’re trying to be nosy. Always stay on your toes!