I’ve been that girl: “worried about my body size while dating”

giphy16

By: Kindall D. 

I’ve always been the “thick” girl. Out of my other two sisters and I, I was always the chubbiest growing up and I was always reminded of it too. I was always the butt of my mother’s fat jokes and everyone just thought it was fun and games but it never was for me. I feel like those times planted body image issues in my head at an early age. I’ve always struggled with my weight and still do at the age of 31.

Wondering if a guy likes you is hard enough let alone wondering if he thinks you’re too fat for him to date too.

It may sound like I’m being a bit too harsh on myself but these are thoughts that crossed my mind when I had to start back dating after the breakups from my exes. It’s hard starting all over again and trying to get someone to love you for you.

I remember meeting a guy online and purposely waiting 2 weeks to finally go out with him just so I could drop a few pounds before meeting him in person.

I was that ashamed of my body. I wanted so desperately to be like those confident thick, plus sized women you see posing on Instagram and Facebook. I thought I was pretty but that my weight took away from my beauty.

I remember always telling myself that I needed a thicker and taller man to help balance me out so that I wouldn’t feel as “big.” I wanted a guy that would make me feel small in comparison to him. I refused to date anyone that wasn’t at least 6 feet or taller and/or thicker than me.

I started dating a few guys that were smaller than me but would feel so uncomfortable and I always felt like they were secretly judging my weight. Whenever those dates didn’t work out I would wonder if it was because I didn’t look that big in my online profile pictures. I’d wonder if they found my weight somewhat repulsive and I’d wonder if  they thought I didn’t look right with them. I’d wonder if they noticed that I had chubby, flabby arms and back rolls with a muffin top for a stomach. I’d wonder if they thought my thunder thighs were too jiggly and unsexy. All these thoughts about my weight and body image crossed through my mind constantly while trying to date. I would be sure to keep my body weight down just to be sure that I looked good enough for a man to want me.

img_0238.png
Instagram post of me appreciating my thick thighs finally! I hated this picture so much but finally posted it with the disclaimer of me basically not giving a shit anymore if I’m smaller or thicker!

Fast forward to now and I still have some body image issues but I’ve learned that how others feel about it is merely just a reflection of who they are.

Since being in my current relationship for over a year now, I’ve gained some “happy weight.” I never noticed it till a few months back when I tried to put on some jeans that always used to fit. They didn’t fit this time and I became so depressed! I asked my boyfriend if he noticed I had gotten bigger and why he never mentioned it. His response was that he just wanted me to be happy. He didn’t care if I was big or small.

“Showing my thickness is showing my realness.

He is actually smaller than me and just about 6 inches taller than me. I normally never give these guys a good try but I’m glad I let go of my inhibitions for him. He seems to care more about ME as an actual person than he does about my physical appearance. He doesn’t care what I look like just as long as what I look like on the inside doesn’t change.

I stopped caring so much of what others thought of me and decided to just take care of myself. I don’t diet but I focus more on my lifestyle. I try to eat primarily healthy foods and exercise so that I can remain healthy. My thighs are still thick and my weight may never come off to where I’m a size 8/10 again but that’s okay. I’ve learned to accept me for me. I’ll admit I do still have my days where I’m sad about my weight but I remind myself that I’m still beautiful because of what’s inside. I try to wear clothes that flatter my figure and try new makeup and hairstyles that make me feel good as well.

One thing I’ve learned is that if anyone, man or woman, has a problem with my weight or how I look then that’s their problem, not mine. Not every woman is a size 3. Not every woman has a small waist with a big ass and thighs and small arms with no back fat. I feel like showing my thickness is showing my realness. 

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s