By: Kindall D.
I was a big crybaby growing up. I gave my parents HELL because I cried about EVERYTHING let them tell it. With me crying all the time, they were always telling me to “stop all that crying!” That’s all I heard growing up. Add in a mother that didn’t understand how to share her own emotions and you get a young girl that learns to hide her own emotions too.
As I grew into a teenager and then a young adult, I had trouble with who I was and was emotionally unavailable to everyone including guys I dated and my friends. I was afraid to be who I was. I never hardly opened up for fear of being judged. I would never let anyone see my real emotions which in turn caused a lot of confusion and anguish.
LIFE changed all of that. LIFE forced me to tap into my emotions and tap into who I am. Heartbreaks taught me that I was human and hurt like anyone else.
“Feeling heartbreak after heartbreak made me feel things I did not want to feel but now that I look back, I realize it was all necessary. I needed life to grow me up.”
I Broke Down
I’ll never forget the first time I broke down in front of my best friend. We had been friends for over ten years at the time but I had never ever cried in front of her. I never wanted anyone to see me cry, including my best friend that had turned into my sister over the years that we had known each other.
I remember I was with a man that I had loved through everything. I loved him through his 2 year jail sentence and went over and beyond to be there for him. I stayed celibate the whole two years, sent him money, traveled 10 hours every other month to visit him and even stayed after I found out he had cheated on me after getting out of prison. I was very much in love and blind and thought I could make him treat me right.
We were on the brinks at the time when I woke up and looked on his Facebook page and saw that he had a picture of him and some other girl posted as his cover photo on his page. I told myself I wasn’t going to cry about it and just closed his page and put my phone down. I then broke down crying in my room alone.
“I broke down like I never had before in my life.”
It hurt because here I was doing all this for a man I was in love with only to have him leave me for someone else that had done NOTHING for him. I felt the lowest I ever had in life.
He had some rims that I was keeping in my storage closet for him. I told him to come get them or I was going to sell his shit!
He shows up to my house hours later. He knocks on the door and is with his friend, whom I was familiar with, and they both get the rims out of my house. They linger outside a bit as they load all 4 rims into the car. As I was leaving to go to my best friend’s house, I noticed he was in a truck I had never seen before. I walked closer and realized the “girl” was in the driver’s seat. I became livid!
“I wanted to knock the hell out of him and her. I wanted to key her car. I wanted to fight him. I wanted to see his body trampling down the steps outside my house. I wanted to hurt him as bad as he had hurt me. I wanted him to feel my pain.”
I called my best friend to keep from going off. Soon as I started talking to her about it though, I became even MORE upset! I started using curse words I had never hardly used before. I was outside my apartments, in the middle of the day, screaming and crying “FUCK HIM! FUCK HIM!” repeatedly at the top of my lungs. I could not hear a word my best friend was saying on the other end of the phone anymore.
I did not fight him. He warned me to back up and it looked like he would literally try to hurt me, physically. I also backed down when I realized the “girl” had her daughter in the car too. The little girl looked so frightened, so I calmed down for the sake of a child even though it was the other woman’s daughter. They rode off together and he never looked back. He never apologized.
“He did not care that he had hurt me. He did not care that I was left broken.”
I got myself together and put on my poker face and drove around the corner to my best friend’s house who was on the phone with me when the whole thing happened. I walked in smiling like I was fine. My best friend obviously knew better though.
“She walked up to me and embraced me in a tight hug. I broke down crying like I was that same crybaby, little girl I once was when I was a child. I couldn’t hide my emotions anymore.”
I stood there and cried in her arms in the middle of her kitchen like I had never cried before in front of ANYONE.
She is more than a best friend; Now she is my soul sister. That hug and embrace did so much for my soul that day. It made me realize that I am HUMAN and that I am allowed to feel. I am allowed to cry and I am allowed to need consoling and empathy. I am allowed to show my emotions.
Every living thing on this earth has emotions and feelings. We can not run from them. It’s okay to not be okay. The only way out, is through. So, do not hide your emotions; Embrace them. Allow yourself to break if need be because sometimes that’s the only way you can be made anew into a better and stronger person.