By: Kindall D.
I know when an ex does you wrong, you hope bad karma serves them justice and you hope even more that you’re around to witness it. You never stop to think about how you would actually feel if bad karma did happen to find your ex. I never wished karma on mine. I actually wished him well and then I forgot about him and moved on. Had I really held on to that pain he caused me and not forgiven him, I’d probably feel even worse about his shocking death.
I never imagined my ex would be shot and killed and I especially never imagined that the woman he cheated on me with and left me for, would have something to do with it.
“He should have stayed with you,” is what most of his friends and family said and still say to this day, although it’s been over a year.
Who knows how different my life would have been if I had chose to stay a little longer? Who knows if he would still be here or not, had he stayed with me?
Life is all about choices and dealing with the consequences of our choices.
Friday, March 11, 2016
“He’s DEAD! What the fuck?!”
It was almost my 30th birthday. I had made plans to go to Los Angeles, CA with my new boyfriend the following weekend and decided I would have a “girls night in” with my close friends to celebrate me turning thirty in six days. I am usually at work on Fridays but had decided to take off early just to have my girls night in since everyone would not be available on that following Saturday.
All of my close friends and my little sister came over. We drank wine, ate and talked about everything going on with our lives. The older we got, the harder it was for us to keep in constant contact, so whenever we would meet up, we would all catch up with each other on how our personal lives were going. I can actually remember breaking down emotionally to them about how I had finally moved on from my ex. They knew that that was a tough one for me. I remember I ended up sharing with them everything that had led up to our ultimate split a few months prior. They all knew how much I wanted things to work out between us and how hurt I was when he left me after all I had done for him just to be with another woman that had done nothing for him.
In the middle of the get-together, my best friend, who is actually married to my ex’s best friend, pulled me to the side to tell me that her husband had called her telling her that Steve, my ex, had been shot. It didn’t seem like a big deal at the time when she told me because we didn’t expect him to actually be dead. Her husband had made it seem to her that it wasn’t anything to be that alarmed about. She left early to go back home and tend to their children so that her husband could go and see what had really happened to his best friend. My friends and I stayed behind and continued partying on.
A few hours later, I stopped talking and laughing with my friends for a moment to check the the text from my best friend. I looked down and read these exact words, “It’s true. Steve is dead…”
I remember suddenly being caught in a daze as my mouth dropped open. I can remember bursting into tears, alarming all of my friends at the party. They asked me what was wrong and all I can remember is just crying that, “he’s dead! What the fuck!” In the middle of all that however, I still felt the need to explain myself to them that I wasn’t crying because I still wanted him. They immediately hushed me and just consoled me as I rocked back and forth.
I never imagined that would be my reaction to an ex dying; especially one that treated me so badly by cheating on me and leaving me.
Later, I learned that it was a fight that had broke out between my ex and the woman he had left me for, outside the apartment that they shared together. She had brought along two other women she knew, for back-up, to do what exactly, I am not sure; I was not there.
(Read the original new’s story here.)
I do know that the charges were dropped and that it was supposedly considered self defense due to it being a domestic violence incident. All I know is that the 3 girls were fighting with him and one of the girls had a gun, turning the fight deadly and claiming my ex’s life.
I just couldn’t believe that this person that I once was so in love with was now gone. The man that I waited 2 whole years for to be released from jail. The man that I drove 5 hours for every other month just to visit in prison. The man that I was there for and wanted better for. The man that I once shared all parts of me with. I had even met his kids. I felt for them immediately after I found out what had happened.
I remember pleading with my ex to just do right and stop playing women. I wanted him to heal from his past and be better. I wanted him to be a good man to a good woman. I wanted him to learn to trust women and to trust true love.
I really wanted to see him be better, not dead. I know I prayed for him more than I prayed for myself. I felt like I was involved with him soulfully because I understood him and why he was the way he was.
I felt for him because I knew that there was a good person in there dying to get out. I would oftentimes bring to his attention the parts of himself that he so desperately tried to hide from the world. He would then get this far-away look in his eyes with tears brimming at the corners. I would stop because I didn’t want to overwhelm him.
He would mask his deep pains by being a womanizer. He loved to keep women wanting him. He loved to have women be jealous over him. When we were together, he would always tell me how all of his baby mothers wanted him back.
He would seemingly and purposely leave little trails around to show that he was cheating just so I could get jealous and go crazy. He loved seeing me act a pitiful fool over him and I loved letting him. I always found out he was cheating without me even having to snoop. He once left his Facebook page open. I found several girls he was messaging. I had access to his debit card online account, at his permission, and found a motel charge on there. I remember I finally found the girl’s number he was cheating on me with by noticing that every time her number would come up on his caller i.d., he would ignore it. I eventually ended up contacting her and that’s how I found out who she was.
All I wanted was for him to trust that my love was true. He seemed to have had a hard time trusting any woman, period. I had to grow and understand this about him and understand that there was nothing I could do to change him.
He never cared about seeing me hurt. He was so used to pain, I guess he figured that I could handle it if he could. Every time I told him that he had hurt me, he would laugh it off and say, “I ain’t hurt you.” I would cry to him and he still would act like I was the crazy one.
I never thought about him again after I finally got the strength to leave him and heal from the pain. I had healed and moved on to a better man while he was still alive. I didn’t know that he would be dead months later.
I honestly wish for him more now, now that he’s gone because it’s painfully obvious that he will never get to live out his full potential.
I honestly felt it wouldn’t go too well for him after he had left me because he had damaged so many other women lives before me and I knew he would just continue the vicious cycle after me. It’s painfully true, you really can’t change a man. I remember I would plead with him to please treat women better after me. He didn’t like being alone though. I would often tell him that if he keeps trying to use people to heal his loneliness, he’s going to end up exactly that way one day, alone. I never imagined it would be due to his death though.
Domestic violence is very serious and can be deadly. Please walk away before you hurt or kill one another. Seek help and outreach by either going to thehotline.org/help or calling 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).