I’ve Been That Girl: Acting Like The Men That Hurt Me

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By: Jennifer Harris

What if I met you and said all the right things to you? Pillow talks and late night conversations we would hold to 7 am, talking until we fell asleep on the phone. I wake you up with a good morning handsome text…Kissy face emoji.

I tell you about my dreams, secrets, and about my past and you tell me yours in return. I ask “what do you look for in relationships,” throwing hints that I could see you being the perfect guy for me. A couple of weeks go by and I’m digging on you hard. I realize maybe you’re different from the last guy that I’ve been with, you understand me better than anyone ever has.

I tell you aloud, I’m not just trying to be your friend and you say you wanted to be more than just friends anyway. We make it official…

Everything is going great, best relationship I’ve been in. I’m showing you off, letting you meet everyone that’s important to me…my best friends, parents, family members…all within four months of dating. I make you a PRIORITY in my life. You tell me, if I don’t see us going any further to let you know, but I tell you “no,” I truly want to be with you.

Date after date you take me on, all I see are smiles and gleaming stares from you. I stare into your eyes and ask where did you come from with such question as if I should’ve met you sooner, sooner than my last heartbreak.

Six months in the relationship you tell me you’re in love with me, but I don’t say it back.

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I leave your house to go home just to break up with you 2 days later. The breakup leads me to become hoeish, flirting with every guy that comes my way, because I realized, I wasn’t over the past and I’m not ready for another serious relationship. Even though I know that I can come back to you anyway.

Now we’re back together, and everything is fine again.

I tell you “I love you.” We attend my best friend’s wedding and I catch the bouquet. After the wedding, I dump you again, telling you I’m not ready. But after hoeing again, I come back, because I know you’re so wrapped up in me, you’re going to take me back. You stupid boy. Now we’re back together, and everything is fine again.

A couple of months pass by. I admit I cheated on you when I really didn’t, only to give you a reason for you to break up with me this time, but you don’t. Instead, you love me despite my disloyalty and you’re so foolish over me, you’re willing to look past it. Then you admit you had sex with someone else after I dumped you the first time. Now I’m pissed. So pissed that when you’re sleep at night, I lay in your bed texting other guys, I tweet heartless things like I don’t have a boyfriend, while you’re at work or in class. I’m laying in your bed, in your apartment, on the phone with my other babe or honey. While I’m at work, I’m meeting other guys to hang out with.

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I don’t care about you, because you hurt me. Even though I hurt you, it doesn’t matter, I’m supposed to be the victim, not you. I just make you think I care.

You go through my phone and feel belittled, less than a man. I mean let’s face it, you are. You keep taking me back you stupid boy. Now we’re over again.

But….you guessed it.

We’re back together and everything is fine, again…

Only to find out I’m pregnant…but I miscarry. I don’t care, but you do. Your heart is so broken, your spirit is torn to pieces and you question things; life itself…but me I pretend I care because I’m selfish like that.

Meanwhile, I’m still texting and flirting with other guys…But you…you stay because you’re so broken into our relationship, you don’t know what to do without me.

We fuss, fight each other with our words, and sometimes fight physically, all because you want me to care about you the way you care about me.

You’re a great guy, you’re going to be a great husband to someone one day, but not to me. I’m not ready for anyone that’s good for me, because it’s too good to be true. You’re too good to be true. You scare me, because you actually do love me. Your love doesn’t hurt like the last time I loved.

After all the damage is done in this toxic, chaotic relationship, we know we’re over. We part ways for good.

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Now whose heart is really broken?

Is it yours…by ending things with you, because I painted the perfect picture for you and bailed on you every time and you had so much faith in me. You never had real love, so you hold on thinking it would change me, that it would blossom into the fairy tale I painted for you. When really you should’ve just let me go before it had gotten worse.

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Or mine?…for holding on to the one that broke my heart before you, hoping to find that same love I had with him, in you; Causing me to become damaged goods for whoever came my way. I can’t be the woman I claimed to be. I’m weak, immature, and insecure about myself so I reflected it back on you to hide my wounds.

Who is really the broken person here?

 

Jennifer Harris currently resides in Dothan, GA along with her husband and daughter. She is the author of “Journey To Love” and you can currently follow her on Facebook here for more updates as she promotes her book. You can purchase her book here.

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