By: Kindall D.
None of us set out to be just “another girl” to him but sometimes that shit just happens.
We got so caught up, and didn’t even realize that we were just one of his many or just the next victim on his list.
He was fine with charisma that could talk the panties off of you.
He knew how to lure us in.
He knew what lies to tell.
He knew how to stroke our egos.
He smelled the lack of self love in us from a mile away.
He knew exactly what to say to get our attention.
He didn’t have to say much. He knew he had us at hello with his tall stature and tatted arms.
We all thought we were “the one” to change him from his ways.
We all were crazy about him.
We all loved him.
He loved us all too…he just couldn’t trust us.
He was taught and conditioned to not trust any woman.
He could never be taught to NOT love us though because no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t help but to love all of us because we were all, good women.
Deep down he knew he really didn’t deserve us.
But that emptiness he had on the inside overpowered his logical thinking.
Love was not enough. Trust was needed, but none of us were able to earn his trust.
We all stayed too long and endured so much.
He cheated on us all and left us for the next.
A piece of him was left with all of us after he moved on to the next.
We were a part of the world to him that wasn’t damaged like he was.
He saw the good woman in all of us but didn’t know what to do with it.
He just used us to fill a void.
We let him use us.
He loved making us go crazy over him.
He loved the way we loved him.
He loved the control he had over us.
We loved the way he loved us during those good times whenever those times did happen.
We replayed those good times over and over in hopes it would cancel out the bad.
Those good times slowly came to an end when he realized he was getting too close.
We all thought we were strong and wise enough to not fall for someone like him.
But who in the hell did we think we were to believe that?
And who in the hell did we think we were to believe that we could “fix” him? Hell, who was supposed to “fix” us?
Who the hell did we think we were trying to change a grown ass man?
Did we think we were these “super women” that were able to change a grown man? What? We thought the phrase, “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks” only referred to dogs?
We thought we were really special.
We thought we were special enough to bypass the pain we all knew he would cause.
We stayed even after he cheated.
But we thought we were special.
We let him enter our bodies and blanked out all the other women we knew he was probably entering too.
We thought we were special.
We weren’t that naive but played naive just to keep him.
Only he mattered. Our peace of mind did not.
We dared not bring up the text message from some girl in his phone saying how much she missed him.
We wanted him.
We had to have him.
We wanted him to change.
We begged for him to change.
We thought he would change.
We cried to him but our crying was only in vain. Our tears didn’t mean shit.
It was all about him and his pain, not ours.
We would call the other women and tell them to leave our man alone when we should have been telling him to leave the other women alone.
We never once stopped and thought about how we got so caught up in such a toxic man.
We never once looked in the mirror and asked ourselves, “why am I putting up with this?”
Checking ourselves would mean missing out on him.
We couldn’t have that. We had to fight to prove our love. We had to fight to make him see we were “the one!”
Our stupid asses.
We never realized we were really only fighting with ourselves.
We were the only ones fighting.
He didn’t give a damn.
We were the only miserable ones.
We never thought about that though.
We never realized that we were fighting a battle that couldn’t be won.
His heart could never be won. His trust could never be earned.
But he could steal ours.
We never realized that we were just as fucked up as him.
We never realized that we only accepted the love we felt we deserved.
Duh. Why didn’t we apply that phrase to ourselves? What was wrong with us?
Did we deserve to be treated this way? Did we deserve to be dogged, misused and betrayed?
Yes. We deserved it.
In fact, we needed it.
We needed to be awoken from our dream world that every man means us well.
We deserved it.
We deserved it so we could grow into a REAL confident woman with REAL self love.
We deserved it so we could know a good man the next time when we saw him.
We deserved to know that a man really couldn’t be changed.
We deserved to know that “the one” for us would never have to be molded and changed to fit into our lives.
We deserved the wisdom that we gained from that toxic man.
We deserved to be broken down and then made anew.
We deserved it all to become stronger.
We deserved it all to know better the next time.
We deserved to be hurt to know what a broken heart feels like.
We needed to know what that pain felt like.
We didn’t die.
We thought we couldn’t live without him.
We didn’t die when he left us or when we grew tired of the bad treatment and walked away.
We’re still here…living and shit.
We deserved that tough lesson.
We deserved that growth.
We deserved it all.