By: Kindall D.
When you don’t feel good about yourself, you will accept anything and call it love.
When you don’t know what you want, you will see what others have and believe that you need it too.
That was my problem when I met him. I thought I wanted everything he had to offer including his baggage.
He already had 9 kids and 5 different baby mothers but I still wanted him.
I felt like I wanted to be a part of his life and “crew.” I wanted to be a baby mother too.
I felt that was the only way I could be a part of his life and actually mean something to him. I wanted to secure my spot in his life.
He had me hooked but I didn’t have him hooked. He would cheat and do questionable things that made me not trust him.
But I was that desperate for love that I was willing to do anything to feel loved and wanted by him.
I thought a baby would change everything.
He would try to get me pregnant too. He was just as damaged as I was. He would knowingly ejaculate inside of me whenever we had sex. He would then proudly boast that he knew for sure I was pregnant then.
I never was though.
I remember once I actually thought I was pregnant because I was late an entire month.
I can remember telling him the news and how excited he got. He was excited to had trapped another good woman in his web of deceit.
I remember I took a pregnancy test and it was a very faint but had two pink stripes.
I acted as if I wasn’t happy about having a baby out of wedlock but I was ecstatic to be having his baby.
It seemed to had made him happy too.
Finally, I had him hooked…
I went to a doctor’s office to get checked again and they stated I was not pregnant. I can remember feeling so disappointed that I didn’t even believe them. I left the office and decided to get a second opinion.
I still hadn’t gotten my period so I thought for sure I was pregnant and that they just didn’t know what they were talking about. I felt the tests were wrong and even made an appointment to have blood work done. I thought maybe the urine sample was giving me false negatives.
I had to be pregnant.
I was that gone in the head and that damaged and that desperate.
I was that determined to be pregnant. I felt I had to get pregnant by him.
I set my appointment for blood work but never made it to the appointment because I ended up starting my period.
I was depressed. How was I going to keep him now?
I relayed the information to him and he seemed to had felt somewhat relieved. Looking back I feel like he knew he would just fuck my life up.
I never got pregnant by him.
I had to realize that nothing you do can keep a man that doesn’t want to be kept. You can not coerce a man into loving you or treating you right.
That same ex is now dead. I would have been raising that child that I wanted so badly without a father. God and the universe has a way of saving you from yourself when you don’t know any better.
Love yourself. If you don’t know how to love yourself, I guarantee it nobody else will know how to either.