By: Kindall D.
Selfies. That’s what I’m good at. My selfies highlight just what I want and hide just what I need hidden.
No chubby, batwing arms can be found in my selfies; All you see is just my bomb NYX matte lip cream stained on my lips, my perfectly filled eyebrows and a perfectly hydrated, all-natural curly fro. You may see a bit of the Fashion Nova outfit I’m wearing too but not too much because I always make sure my chubbiness (or thickness if you want to call it that) is always well hidden. I can view how my photo will come out before I even snap the selfie so it’s a process I trust and love.
Whenever someone does snap a photo of me, I usually have to beg them to take about ten more before I’m completely satisfied with it. I rarely let someone snap a photo of me. You either have to catch me off guard or it has to be a special occasion for my photo to be taken by someone else beside me using my front-facing camera on my iPhone.
My boyfriend, C.J. has forced me to see myself in a different light. “I just wish you could see what I see,” are the endearing words he would always say to me when practically begging for me to pose for a new photo so he could capture my beauty in one of the scenes he had perfectly mapped out in his photographer brain.
I would always just crack a small smile at him and get those “awww” butterflies in my stomach but never agree to the photo–no matter how beautiful he would make his “photo in his mind” sound. I would always find some excuse as to why I didn’t want to take a picture.
“I already wore this in a picture already.”
“I don’t like my makeup today.”
“It’s that ‘time of month’ for me right now.”
“Wait until I get my hair done.”
The true reason was always my inhibitions with my weight and the negative body image of myself that I sometimes have.
I was slowly getting over my body image issues until I got settled into our relationship. I have gained a bit of “happy weight” since being with him. I once broke down and told him that I didn’t want to pose for a photo for him because I didn’t want to see a reminder of how much weight I’ve gained.
There you have it.
I couldn’t have him snapping a full upper body picture of me. I just couldn’t bare to see myself that way. I knew it would show all of my imperfections and all of my fat. I didn’t think I would look good enough for a professional photo. I didn’t think I’d look like all the models that do these dope ass poses with their smaller bodies.
He asked me to trust him. He asked me to trust his eye and trust that he could capture the perfect shots of me.
He began to snap pictures of me every now and then when I felt some confidence in myself and when I had gained some trust in him.
I started to LOVE the finished photos so much that I slowly began to actually volunteer on my own to pose for new photos without him having to ask. I was actually the creative mind behind the following recent photos:
I started to become his muse and I felt comfortable with that. I felt empowered. I felt truly beautiful.
He would always capture perfect shots of me that were actually waist up that looked totally different than my mastered selfies. I never knew I was capable of such art.
He earned my trust. He has helped me to see my body in a more positive light that I never imagined was possible before. I feel like I’m now looking at myself through the eyes of a person that admires all of me. He has shown me the true meaning of “beauty is only skin deep.” I’ve always loved who I am on the inside and now I love myself more on the outside as well.
All photos, besides my selfie, can be credited to C.J. Armstrong (@unique_visions_photography via Instagram)