By: Kindall D.
Not to victim shame myself, but I have always literallly picked the wrong men in the past. I have continued relationships with men knowing good goddamn well that they were no good for me. I’ve stayed during cheating, lies and verbal abuse. Looking back I realize I was only picking men that made my ego feel good.
Finally, at 29, I got to know and love myself which in turn, naturally made me pick differently. I have been in my current relationship for almost 2 years now and he is literally the best boyfriend I’ve ever had in my 31 years on this earth. I wasn’t expecting him to be “the one” so here’s a real life story that gives truth to the cliché phrase, “Love happens when you least expect it.”
“I wasn’t excited to go out with him on our first date”
I relunctly went on the date. Since our conversation was good on the phone, I figured why not. His looks didn’t necessarily excite me, unlike all the other men I dated in the past, but I loved his beard so that helped. He was far from ugly, but nothing like the “pretty boys” I had dated in the past.
We went Dutch on our first date. I remember I ordered hot wings when normally, I’m so nervous on a first date that I always choose something “safe” that’s easy to eat that won’t get all over my hands or face. I even ordered a huge margarita and didn’t care if I looked like an alcoholic to him. Remember, I wasn’t too excited about this date so I pretty much went in not giving a care in the world on how the date went. I didn’t care if he liked me and didn’t care if we would have a second date or not. I had basically developed into an unapologetic free spirit.
The date goes well.
He had pulled my chair out for me at the beginning of the date and voluntarily carried my to-go box of leftover hot wings at the end. The conversation flowed throughout the date and was never forced. He was also just being himself and didn’t seem nervous at all. It was a very casual date but fun.
I didn’t feel any butterflies or sparks.
We go on a second date that week where we played pool and ate and drank again. I reluctantly went on this date too because I was starting to dig his consistency in wanting to actually see me. I was slightly surprised that we had made it to a second date but nevertheless, I went and actually enjoyed my time with him again. Our first kiss was at the end of that night but I remember still not feeling any major “sparks.” I really just felt a sense of ease and calmness. I knew I liked him but the feeling this time being out with a guy was different than all the other times. I didn’t feel any real reason to not see him again, so I continued to let him pursue me.
He had me by the third date.
It wasn’t his looks, money, or any other vain characteristic that got me. It was his consistency in his pursuit of me that got me. He never left me wondering and always kept his word. He never stood me up on a date and never played any games. He didn’t wear any fancy, name brand clothes and was even a bit shorter than I usually like. He didn’t lie about who he was and was comfortable being himself. He told me he basically had the same mindset as I on the first date and it obviously worked. Now, I’m crazy about him.
Moral of the story is…
You can’t start off already crazy about him.
If you’re nervous about how you look eating in front of him on the first date, it’s not going to work out more than likely. If you feel you’re too nervous to be yourself, it basically means that you’re already too invested in him and what he thinks of you when you’ve JUST met him. Everything you do from that point on is going to solely be about him and what he thinks of you.
If you are yourself on the first date and order the messy ass hot wings instead of the rabbit food, safe, non-messy, entree you can eat with a fork instead of your hands salad, then you are already comfortable in who you are and could care less what he thinks. You’re confident in who you are and will be ready to tell him like it is if he even messes up a little bit. Not being nervous or intimidated around him is necessary so he can’t ever easily provoke you into doing anything you don’t want to do or run any kind of game on you.
The thing is, when we date someone solely off of the fact that we are attracted to them, we quickly forget about whether or not he has any of the necessary qualities that are needed in a man to make a successful relationship. We forget to check how he is on the inside because we’re so excited to be out with someone that we find so attractive. Looks can be fixed and changed, a personality cannot.
If you’re too excited and nervous about the first date, that means he already has you although he hasn’t done any work to get you.